Masks

Masks

I never liked masks, deceptions. I never
really got into Halloween or costume parties.
Even today I know I would not enjoy pretending
to be someone else or using a mask to hide
my true self. Masks have never been fun for me.

The Pleasure of Coming Home

The Pleasure of Coming Home

I love coming home, even if I have been gone only
an hour. I love coming home, Diane greeting me,
the dogs greeting me as if I am someone special.
I love my house, my living room, my family room,
my bed, everything familiar, comforting, warm.
It is nice to go away for a while, but going away
pales beside the pleasure of coming home.

The Pleasure of Nothing Useful

The Pleasure of Doing Nothing Useful

I am so used to trying to do something useful
every moment of the day. So many things to
do, so many shoulds. I seldom find time to do
something truly unuseful, so many useful things
to do, except if it is playingLexulous, a pleasure
not useful at all, accomplishing nothing, a selfish
escape which feels so good!

The Pleasure of Not Beiing Perfect

The Pleasure of Not Being Perfect

I must learn to forgive myself for not being perfect
and I also hope that those that know me will
forgive me for not being perfect. I have high
standards for myself and often beat myself up
for not meeting them. Typical Virgo. Not enough
hours in the day to do all I wish to do. And I
often fail to do what I wish I could do. I must
learn to take pleasure in not being perfect.
I really hope I can.

The Pleasure of Being Foolish

The Pleasure of Being Foolish

Foolish to believe someone will change
it might happen sometime, just mightt,
but basically one has to understand
and find a way to live with the reality
that people do not change. Amen.

What I do Not Always Throw Back

What I Do Not Always Throw Back

Sometimes I don't throw back
what she needs to be responsible
for, and sometimes I cut her too
much slack, but sometimes I do
this for the kids' sake even though
they do not know, and I wonder
sometimes if they will ever know
that it was me who made the
difference.

Things to Throw Back

Things to Throw Back

Angry words, failures real or imagined,
broken promises, broken dreams,
worries, fears of tomorrow, self
condemnation, bitterness, sadness
about what might have been,
disallusionments, sadness, fear
of tomorrow and the next day
and the day after that, negatives,
doubts, anguish, blame, all
of these things I throw back.

Fear of Cats

Fear of Cats

My mother was terrified of cats.
When she visited an older woman
in our neighborhood at night, when
it was time for her to walk home
she would telephone me and I
would walk across the street to
walk home with her to protect
her in case she encountered a cat.
I really wish now I knew why she
was deathly afraid of cats, why
she would scream when she saw
one. I don't know what she thought
they would do. Her fear was intense.
there were two cats I knew who
terrified me as well. One lived with
a family I babysat for. The cat,
a big one with penetrating eyes,
would sit across the room and
stare at me. Its eyes would follow
me wherever I went. It seemed
threatening to me, and I wished it
would just leave me alone. I could
hardly wait until the woman and
man got home. Then one time
when I lived with a crazy roommate
and was afraid one night I went
to sleep at the apartment of a friend
because I wanted to be safe.
She had a cat. I slept on the couch,
and all night this catannoyed me.
It sat on top ofthe couch, waved its
tail in my face. I had dreams of
suffication. If I turned on my side,
it would put its head in my
face, breathe on me. One time
it pounced right onto my stomach.
I could not sleep, and I wished I had
stayed in my apartment with the
crazy roommate there, as it
couldn't have been any worse
than enduring a night with this
cat. On top of it all, it made
me sneeze. At this point in
my life I am not afraid of cats.
I can look at them and even
find some of them beautiful,
but they still make me sneeze.

Raw End of the Deal

Raw End of the Deal

In his last week of swim lessons
he got a teacher that didn't like
to get in the water. She preferred
to stand on the side of the pool
with a towel around her swim suit
and to direct children from her
high perch. On Wednesday I
strongly hinted to her that he
learns by being shown, not by
being told. He didn't even listen
to her as she stood above telling
how to do the butterfly, and he
wasn't alone. Such a contrast
to his former teacher who was
always right in the water with
the kids, moving their arms, their
legs, encouraging them every
foot of the way, giving high
fives in the water for a job
well done. I thought about
complaining, but I kept my
thoughts to myself. After all,
it was the last week of summer
lessons. I didn't expect him
to pass fish this time anyway
as he was the youngest in
the class, and it is a hard
level,and kids generally have
to take it more than once, but
it bothered me nonetheless
that for the last swim session
of the summer he got someone
who didn't wish to get wet,
someone whose face remained
expressionless, who knew
technicalities but had no warmth.
No one passed in this fish class,
not one child. When that happens,
I question why. I think all these
kids got the raw end of the deal,
but there is always another year.

Purple Rain

Purple Rain

Purple rain would be fun to see
something unusual, out of ordinary,
something to smile about, tell
tales about, an experience to
pass to the next generation, or
something to bring on televiion
crews or to share on You-Tube,but who
would really believe purple rain?

Halves

Halves

Half of something is okay, half a sandwich
can be enough some days, a half dollar
can be used for parking, half full is good
when you are checking your gasoline gage,
half pound of meat is more than enough,
half finished with a book is a good start,
half of somehing can be good or bad
depending on point of view.

Painted Toenails

Painted Toenails


Diane introduced me to painted toenails
before then I never imagined them for myself
thought it was a luxury few could afford
certainly not me but now I enjoy painted
toenails particularly in summer when
I can have violet toenails which I can look
at and which always remind me of my dog.

There was No Telling

There Was No Telling

There was no telling me anything.
I knew how to raise kids. If I loved,
had patience, smiled, was fair,
gave of myself in every possible way
how could they not turn out just fine,
appreciate, love in return, no problems
ever, everything a breeze. Ya, right!

A New Age Dawning

There is always a new age dawning
no matter which moment, hour,
day, or year. What will happen
next will always be new, unexpected.
No one really knows what will occur
next even if one thinks one does.
Life often throws curveballs. Surprise
is inevitable, sometimes for better,
sometimes for worse. Expect
the unexpected as a new age dawns.

I Had Forgotten....

I Had Forgotten

1.
I had forgotten so many details
until I looked at the photos taken
and then the memories returned.


2.
I had forgotten, or tried to forget,
what he was really like, but it did
not take much to make me remember.


3.
I had forgotten how wonderful a summer day can be
until today when it was pure bliss to take a long walk
in the morning and to spend the afternoon in our pool.

4.
I had forgotten the excitement of finding coins
left in vending machines until Isaac experienced
a streak of luck at finding them. Friday he found
three quarters, an unusually good day, and I was
delighted when he asked if we could go to Goodwill
so he could use his well-earned quarters in
vending machines there to buy new toys, a bouncey
ball an a little ring for his finger. No greater joy
for a five-year-old than to spend earned money.


5.
I had forgotten how fast Tulip could walk until we took her
on a walk this morning and she set the pace, a marathon
pace. She walked two-and-a-half miles at a fast pace,
faster than we would have walked without her. Then Diane
came and picked her up, as I feared she would tire out
before we did, but next time I will have her walk another
mile. I know she could have done this really. She is such
a wonderful walker.

6.
I had forgotten how much I liked roasted vegetables until
I bought beets at the farmers' market and we had to do
something with them, so I cut up beets, carrots, potatoes,
and green peppers, and we roasted them along with
chicken and had a wonderfully tasty dinner tonight.

Irritability

Fears

I try to contain my irritability
to present a happy face
to keep my mouth shut
but it is hard sometimes
and I am eaten up inside
because I know consequences,
fear the worst, know what is possible
while she procrastinates, does nothing.
I am tired of presenting solutions
which are ignored until the last
possible moment and then
when the situation is urgent,
a crisis is imminent, I am
the one who worries, does more
than I should, wakes up in the
night, and fears more and more
for the future, wondering how
someone can live like that.
I worry that nothing will change.
As the children get older, I fear,
but I can do no more than I
already do. I hope and pray
they will find their way. They
have a lot to overcome.

Summer Rain

Summer Rain

Summer rain peaceful, warm
falls gently in small droplets,
patters on windows, fresh,
awakens, enjoyable to watch,
pleasant to touch.

Summer rain greens grass,
refreshes plants and birds,
makes puddles for children to
splash in, brings rainbows
into view, nature calms.

Summer rain also brings high
winds, flooding, tornadoes,
fear, devastation, the flip side
its shadow self, heartless,
nature hard to bear.

The Passing of Time

The Passing of Time

Life moves in slow motion some days,
minutes pass like hours, hours like days,
and then again when I look back at the years
of my life it seems like years have passed
like months and months have passed like
minutes and how did I get to be this age?

My Father's Feet

My Father's Feet

My father's feet were a
mystery to me. He
never walked barefoot
or even took off his socks

where I could see. I never
understood why he always
had his feet covered
when everyone else enjoyed

going barefoot warm summer
days. I fantasized his feet
must be ugly, but couldn't
imagine how. I finally saw

my father's feet when he lay
in his hospital bed dying.
I wonder if he was embarrassed
to have me see his feet then

or whether like so many other
things at that time no longer
mattered. They were not
remarkable feet, not worthy

of hiding, but now it didn't
seem right or proper to look
at what he had always protected
from my view. I turned my eyes

away. Funny how dying changes
things. And doesn't.

Now That You are Gone

Now That You are Gone

Now that you are gone I sort through my mind
for memories of you, try to visualize you again
in my mind, to recapture the essence of you.

Nashville first time meeting I remember you
on the riverboat, quiet but intense, eyes that
twinkle and dance, oh I still see your eyes.

Even though we met three other years it is
my image of you in Nashville, our first meeting
that stands out brightest, brings you to life.

I realize now that we seldom think as we live
our life that someday our time on earth will
end, but today I wonder what people will remember

of me when I die. Will the first meeting leave
the strongest impression, or some later time
I cannot even imagine? Just as you probably

never would have guessed that my most vivid
memory of you was the time we talked on the
boat in Nashville, and oh those twinkling eyes.