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| Life Drawing - by Danny Gregory |
Silent (Version 2) for MTB 3/5
Silent she sits
stares
sadness
she chooses
the secret suffering inside
her son
her only son...
who will understand
pain that stabs
will not leave
still she hopes
something
someone will
take the sting away.
The original of this poem can be found below. The original (below) was written originally for dVerse Poetics where we wrote to the drawings of Danny Gregory. Silent (Version 2) above was written, using the technique of REDUCTION (systematically erasing words) for today's dVerse MTB. Commenters, when you comment, use version 2 above....or else, if you remember the original version (below) comment on which version works best for you / why.
Silent (Original version written 2/9/15)
Silent she sits
stares at nothing
sadness unspoken
she chooses not to share
the secret suffering inside
her son, her only son...
her son, her only son...
who will understand
the pain that stabs her heart
the pain that will not leave
still she sits silent in hopes
that something anything
someone anyone will
somehow take the sting away.
This is an interesting process. It makes the poem more powerful but perhaps not as poetic and as clear. Yet the introduction of more mystery can also be a strength.
ReplyDeleteI love the revision, the reduction, as it takes juice and turns it into fine wine. It was already good, but now it zings. So, yes, in a way, the poet's tone isn't as sad, but it is much more speechless.
ReplyDeleteMary, I actually love this version.. it speaks with a voice that actually screams with pain... and to me the incompleteness of the sentences (the lacking words so to say) speaks with a palpable silence... in all I agree with Susan a lot.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting exercise. At first I preferred the original version but then went back and the reduction does add some zing. A perfect interpretation of the sketch, which is steeped in her sadness.
ReplyDeletei like all the S sounds in this ...almost like a shush...the minimalism of this really makes the my only son stand out...as well as the repetition through there....
ReplyDeleteoh i remembered instantly the original one - the reduction works very well mary
ReplyDeleteI remembered this one too at my zoo. The S's really bring the new version out more
ReplyDeleteI think the reduction works.
ReplyDeleteI remember the original which was so poignant. The reduction though has more zip to it. Both are excellent and I can see me in different moods preferring one to the other.
ReplyDeleteThe reduction works well, as it leaves gaps... as if the pain is too much to bear. The original is clearer, but sometimes we don't want to 'tell' too much in poetry, right?
ReplyDeleteyour reductions really captures the essence of the original. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteIt is like breast reductions, at first not solicited by the man, but later appreciated, for the woman is happier & healthier. I chose the Oulipo N+7 for my piece, Reduction & Conceit just did not resonate with me. Your exercise works very well; congrats, though I prefer the completeness of the original; but like Bjorn said, the chopped sentences seem to illustrate more pain.
ReplyDeleteYour poem reduction is just that - the perfect essence of your first poem - the sorrow is palpable - really like this, Mary
ReplyDeleteI like the original poem, but the reduction is fascinating. I think it's more powerful and I like it even more. The speaker's tone is stronger, sadder.
ReplyDeleteYes, the reduction is more powerful, leaves more in the "understood" column, which, for me, strengthens it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the original Mary, but that said, both are very poignant and cut at my heartstrings.
ReplyDeleteKind regards
Anna :o]
I agree with Bjorn and Susan, the reduction is very potent. I was immediately drawn in and left speechless from the palpable pain. The original is wonderful too but, for me, the 2nd was emotionally impactful. The mystery left room to imagine my own loss within your words and to empathize more.
ReplyDeleteI like the second version very much ~ The sparse words, are powerful by itself & excellent line breaks too Mary ~
ReplyDeleteI liked the second.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting. Robert was a veteran before PTSD was recognized as a valid disease. When VA recognized this, he went on to help others with the same problem. He was a good man.
The death of a child.. an only son.. is a tragedy beyond repair.. and the death of my only son.. has inspired a world in his eyes..that live in thine eyes of love for thee..:)
ReplyDeletethis poem reminded me of a friend who has a severely autistic child - and how we wonder if the child sits in a prison maze they cannot traverse.
ReplyDeleteYes, the changes you made work perfectly..much stronger!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious why she is in pain. Did she lose her son? Did he die? Is he hurt? This poem helps bring a different conceptualization each time it is read.
ReplyDeleteThe reduction seems a bit more emotional to me although I like the original as well. Both capture the sadness of the loss. The use of s-words is very effective. Well done, Mary.
ReplyDeleteI like this reduction a lot. "she chooses the secret suffering inside" is quite a different sentiment from the original, perhaps more honest. Nice work. Peace, Linda
ReplyDeleteBoth are very good! I think I do slightly prefer the reduction. However the message is powerful in either version.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely the first one. The silent intervals between two lines has a very profound effect on the reader. Beautifully crafted. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the new version. The first four verses tell a complete story and are a great opening.
ReplyDeleteThe reduction hints at a bigger story in an even more compelling way.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn. Initially I really thought I much preferred the original because it is more clear and really not long so does not have unnecessary verbage at all (ie. I did not see a need for reduction at all). But, the more I re-read them both, the more I started to see the PAIN that feels more palpable in the second version...something about the lack of clarity and the brevity of words in the rewritten version makes the sorrow come through a little more painfully, if that makes sense, so now I am torn. I think they both work well!
ReplyDeleteI remember the first version and liked it. However now that I see the second I like it even better. This is an interesting technique I will have to investigate,
ReplyDeleteAn interesting poetic exercise - probably one I should pursue a bit more, myself. It's funny, though. I often find that, while the inclusion of the simplest word such as "still" or "though" often doesn't really affect the meaning of a poem - a certain je ne sais quoi is lost in the overall cadence of the piece when it is removed (and yet, it can be difficult to describe what is missing).
ReplyDelete